Stand-Up Sneak Peek

Here's a rough cut of this Wednesday's stand-up script. There's no guide for delivery or inflection, but you'll have to attend a performance for those. Hope you like it. Related jokes in different colors.

People may be shocked when they hear what I say, not so much what I say but how I say it. I use language in ways that would terrify a normal citizen’s grandmother. But not to worry, you’re in no danger! I’ve been convicted of no crime!

 

However, don’t corner me, or I’ll lash out at you like a snake. Like a badger. Like an angry and startled snake lunging at an ambitious badger with an unsavory past. Who will win, the audience asks, hands frostbitten in suspense? Nature.

 

Now you tell me that what I just said, and how I just said it would not genuinely scare an elderly woman. You didn’t enjoy that, did you ma’am? I didn’t either, to be honest. All this terrifies me like you wouldn’t believe. I’m likely to cry any moment now.

 

I don’t know why I’m up here. I barely know THAT I’m up here. It’s over very fast and I have no memory of the episode, like that one little time when everyone was hopeful about Obama. It was “quaint”. Even conservatives were sitting around fireplaces, leisurely puffing on a glass of brandy, eating stacks of twenties and hundreds, going, “Well, I, for one, am proud to be an American in an age when we’ve elected our first black president. Go get ‘em, homie.” But the economy doesn’t care who’s president. It’s not even registered to vote.

 

Hi, I’m Tyler. What’s your name? We’ll talk after the show, I can’t hear a damn thing up here. You can buy me a drink. What’s that, three drinks? I’m flat broke.

 

Some people do comedy to get girls, which is sad not in the noble pursuit of beautiful ladies, but sad that doing comedy to get girls is a flawed premise to begin with. Girls don’t want funny. What they do want is kinda like funny, ‘cept it starts with an M. It’s like playing guitar. Young men in the audience, never pick up playing guitar to get girls. Doesn’t work. Pipe dreams. It only brings calloused fingertips and hearts.

 

(SOMETHING ELSE)

 

Yet another comment that would anger and confuse anyone over the age of sixty-five. And if you talk to me after the show, I might can say a few more.